The Kaufman Procedure – Your Thoughts

The Kaufman Procedure - Your ThoughtsToday I want to try something different on my website. Last Friday I entered Microcosms 36 with my story The Kaufman Procedure. While I was happy with the tale, I submitted I still think it could be better and that is where you come in. Below the break I’ll put up some questions about the story and I would like you – yes you the person reading this blog post – to put your comments in the comment box below. These responses can be as simple as your gut reactions or just telling me bits of the story that doesn’t work for you even if you can’t explain how. My plan is to re-draft the story so I can submit it to the website England’s Future History to be published. As a thank you to everyone who provides feedback, I’ll select one commenter at random and put them into the story.  I will make the draw on the evening of 21st September so you must comment by 5pm GMT that day.

The Questions

I would like you to consider/answer some/all of the following questions (you can re-read The Kaufman Procedure here):
  • Does the world of the Kaufman Procedure feel real to you?
  • Which parts of the world doesn’t feel real?
  • Does the story work for you?
  • What parts of the story doesn’t work for you?
  • What do you think of the style of the writing?
  • Is there enough information about how the Kaufman Procedure actually works?
  • Is there anything else you would like to mention about the story?

Thank you for your time and I look forward to reading your responses in the comments below!

@The_Red_Fleece is looking for your thoughts about his story The Kaufman Procedure #writing (Tweet this article)

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3 Comments

  1. Does the world of the Kaufman Procedure feel real to you?
    Yes, it does. But I think the tension, paranoia, nervousness and guilt can be reinforced by telling the story in the first person, making the reader feel as if he or she is experiencing these emotions personally.

    Which parts of the world don’t feel real?
    I know this is meant to position the story in a sci-fi futuristic era, but the wrist implant with a mirrored glass disc seems a little impractical. Glass would not withstand everyday knocks. And why make it mirrored? To check how good you’re looking?

    The ‘line of metal’ presumably is meant to imply some kind of handcuff, but sounds too nebulous to me: ‘metal bracelet’ maybe?

    I know there are people with the surname ’Kaufman’, but the name presumably derives from the German ‘Kaufmann’ which looks more sinister to me. (But Kaufmann in German translate as ‘Retailer, Merchant, Seller’, so there may be a welcome – or unwelcome – subtle contrast with ‘Street Vendor’ in the story.

    Does the story work for you?
    Absolutely. It evokes the storylines of films like Total Recall??, Blade Runner and Minority Report, back to Big Brother in 1984.

    What parts of the story doesn’t work for you?
    Maybe the MC being aware that he does not have access to expletives and physical aggression, and that he can buy a single pill to repair a specific synapse… But these are the fundamental premises of the story! There are classic Sci-Fi stories where similar suspension of disbelief is required, so maybe I’m being too picky!

    What do you think of the style of the writing?
    It’s great, veyr atmospheric.

    Is there enough information about how the Kaufman Procedure actually works?
    It’s not necessary to explain this in detail, especially in this flash fiction format. The story is about build the tension felt by the MC. We glean just enough peripheral information about the reason for using, and the methodology and results of the Kaufman Effect.

    Is there anything else you would like to mention about the story?
    ‘…attempting to reverse the Kaufmann Procedure…’ sounds more like a crime to me.
    ‘two-bit’ as an adjective is hyphenated.

    1. Thanks for your great feedback Geoff. I definitely think the point of view will change in the second draft to a 1st person perspective. Don’t worry about the timing. As you were the only one who commented I think there is a clear winner!

      Thanks again

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